Sometimes I hate the algorithm and whomever came up with year rewinds and the entire “Memories” concept on social media, from time to time I do like to reminisce and think about back in the day, and things you did with your friends.

But not today, not on days like this where I’m not mentally nor emotionally there. On days like this I hate it, it takes you by surprise, where out of the blue it hits you with a photo of your pets… and you remember you used to have three cats, and slowly they’ve moved on, but google decides to show you a stupid slideshow titled Feline good with photos of them and there’s that little hole in your stomach when you realize you had forgotten about that pain. That’s exactly what happened today, I got drowned on pictures of my small children who are no longer around.

The slideshows kept going, yearly recaps, more pictures of things I don’t remember, of a person I no longer am, a photograph of my first jiu-jitsu competition, I looked so damn young, I know I was looking at myself but don’t truly recognize the guy looking back at me. And I think about how wild it is to grow up, how violent it is when you look back on your history, how, when not on the right state of mind, and emotionally available, how damaging it can be.

I certainly looked back today and wished I was happier, wished I had done things differently, and it’s so stupid because I got super moody and chose to write this while listening to Bad Bunny’s Dtmf piano version, just to show how much of an emo cunt I am. It’d be funny if it didn’t hurt, but I don’t think I wished I had taken more photos, but rather different ones.

The slideshows have caught up to this year, showing me pictures of last week, it show’s me I’m still training, that’s somewhat of a statistical anomaly, most people quit, I didn’t, I’m wearing the same rashguard, and I look stronger, bigger, older, I’m sure any other day I’d say I look better, that I grew up good, but I’m not sure I’d believe myself… so yeah I hate whomever came up with the idea of looking back at “memories” of previous years, I’m not that same person, tho, I’d sure be sad if I was.